1972 from Marvel Premiere #1
``...and make you into an athletic virile he-man!!"
So the coke-bottle glasses and braces can stay?

``...give yourself life-guard shoulders..."
Have you actually seen David Hasselhoff lately?

``I don't care if, today, you own the scraggiest, flabbiest, skinniest or funniest-looking body, whether you're tall, or short, young or not-so-young, skinny or fat, office worker, laborer, school-boy or businessman, I must make a new, virile he-man out of you-with handsome muscles bursting out all over!"
Why are you down on one knee and what's the ring for?

1972 from Marvel Premiere #2
``...T.V. Star, Arnold Schwarzenegger,..."
You were on ONE episode of Streets of San Fransisco, numb-nuts!

``Paul put himself under Weider..."
I won't say it...I just won't say it...

``FREE! Big Muscle-Building Book!"
Anyone else think that if the book was 36 pages instead of 34 that woman wouldn't be able to handle the stress of this job?

1972 from The Cat #1
``All I did was follow the plan and drink a few small glasses of delicious Crash Weight Formula #7"
Richie - ``...And we had beers in these teeny weenie glasses."
Mr. Cunningham - ``How many did you have?"
Richie - ``72."

``Nobody likes a bag of bones"
But everyone likes a sack of nuts.

``...take up to 3500 extra calories a day. (It's the calories that count when you want to put on some handsome weight!"
That's why Ronald McDonald is dating Rachel McLish, right?

1975 from Warlock #11
``It took me 5 days to lose 3 inches..."
And 5 months of recovery after the failed lyposuction.

``One simple 5 minute (average) exercise, twice daily, while lying on my back, eating about 20% less, but without giving up the foods I love...DID IT!"
So you only had sex with men that were semi-hard?

``I saw my muscles start shaping up...right away."
Uh...you were warned about leering in the locker room, mister.

1976 from Defenders #34
``Weider Builds Vigorous Bodies"
Okay, I give up. Where's Waldo?

``Free $5.00 Gift Certificate Which may be applied against purchase of any of my muscle-builders."
But the rest still has to be paid in the morning, cash on the dresser, right?

1977 from Avengers #157
``Let Joe Weider build you a better body for just $3.98"
Hi, I'm Earl Scribe and I'll oil up any bodybuilder for just $99.95.

``My 4 Training Manuals...Spring, Summer, Winter and Fall..."
Just remember, no white posing trunks after Labor Day.

``PLUS...My Muscle Builder Magazine, where the Champs tell you - in detail - how they made it."
But not necessarily who they made it with.

``This offer may have to be withdrawn at any moment because of rising printing, postal, & manufacturing costs..."
And that the INS could conduct a surprise raid soon?

``But hurry. This offer is good only while the supply lasts. ACT NOW! RIGHT THIS VERY MOMENT."
Give it rest! There's a Tarzan movie marathon on AMC.

"What do these champions have in common...with you?”
Um...To some people I’m also known as Mr.?

“...use the New, Exclusive patented “Mr. America DIAL-A-BODY” wheel to show you the way to a handsome, muscular body....”
What gives? There aren't any addresses, only 900 numbers.

“See Dave’s magnificent physique that won him a co-starring role in the movie “Don’t Make Waves.”
And a guest appearance in an episode of The Beverly Hillbillies. (Too bad they cut out the hog jowls wrestling scene between Draper and Jethro.)

“...you can begin to slap on 4 inches to your chest...”
I can do that now. I just didn’t think it was big enough to brag about.

“...give yourself lifeguard shoulders,...”
That’s right. When I watch Baywatch™ I immediately zoom in on his shoulders.

“I don’t care if today you own the skinniest, flabbiest or most laughed at body-”
Give me a break, he was on clearance and I was able to use a coupon.

“A-C-T-I-O-N is the key to strength...”
And R-O-L-A-I-D-S™ spells relief. Put strength and relief together and you get S-P-U-N-K. Then you’ll need some T-I-S-S-U-E-S. And don’t forget to lock the D-O-O-R or your P-A-R-E-N-T-S might get an E-Y-E-F-U-L-L.

“Dear Joe: Shoot the works!”
I’ll supply the T-I-S-S-U-E-S.

“One twist of the ‘007’ TWISTER and every muscle in your body ripples with new vigor and power.”
Does that mean he has a license to thrill?

“If after using the TWISTER 3 days you’re not convinced...then return it after 5 days for a full refund."
And on the eighth day, God asked for a full refund.

“This unusual offer may not be repeated again this year.”
Let alone next issue.

“Simply fit your fingers into the leather grippers, and with your very first squeeze...”
I think you were right the first time. I’ll take the fuzzy cuffs.

“Based on centuries old secrets of Japanese Killer Cults and a Space Age hand building principle...”
On our next episode of: ASIAN ASTRONAUTS in OUTER SPAAAAAAACE!

“To add up to 14 pounds in the next 14 days you need:...”
Twenty eight all beef paddies, special sauce, lettuce, cheese...

“HELL BENT for LEATHER N’ LEAD” BRACELETS”
I take it the magic lasso and tiara are sold separately?

“...striking fear and terror into anyone who would even think of attacking you!”
Yes, but then you have to leave the comic book convention and walk home alone.

“Your manhood and virility will quickly COME ALIVE to women!”
Gross! You’re one of them!?!?!

“...with the word P-O-W-E-R spelled out..."
Because we didn’t have the budget to spell ‘strength’ or ‘endurance’. Engravers charge by the letter, don’tcha know.

“New ‘Hell-Bent For Leather N’Lead” Bracelets...”
And one day you’ll be able to afford the tiara and golden lasso.













“Trainer Of Terror Fighters”
Okay, men. Today’s lesson is how to defend ourselves against someone attacking you with a banana.












“Without it you can’t be a virile, ‘live-wire’ guy with the chicks - she will consider you a ‘dead fish’ not worth being with.”
Damn, I guess breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

“Wildcats-on-the-prowl!”
Suzy...you in the back...you’re suppose to be looking at Dave....Dave!...The Guy!








“With this revolutionary kit you don’t need barbells - no complicated exercises - no ‘slave driving’ routines.”
Oh, you’re no fun anymore.

“Instantly, from the very first twist, it starts ‘turning on’ your muscles with force power and size.”
Ah! It’s not suppose to make that sound and look bent like that is it?

“Shoot the whole works to me by fast mail!”
There’s a sexual inuendo somewhere in that sentence.




“Sturdily-made of long-lasting materials and weighing only 1-lb....”
...this new male abscenance device is a must for all you husky athletes who have to save your little ones for the big game.











“Without protein you’d have problems - you’d just barely be able to chug along - you’d feel pooped out most of the time.”
I thought that was just the caffeine kicking in.

“If you want to be a virile guy - and surge ahead with the kind of man-power that turns your muscles and women on...”
Okay, you’re not really scoring points anymore.

“Who Else gives you 3 husky, delicious flavors?”
They taste like corn stalks?

“You’ll find ‘locked-in’ the following amino acids!”
And if they are given a chance will they escape when they’re out on their molecular chain gang?

“Be Honest - who else is concerned about virile active athletes and bodybuilders?”
A guy who should be concentrating on his marriage vows?

“We’ve been catering to their action-going, muscle-popping needs since 1938.”
Yeah, and that’s not all they’ve been popping.

“30 years experience in training champions has taught us plenty”
Like not making change for the $50 left on the dresser?




“Slim Gard - A heat-retaining, perspiration-promoting reducing belt.”
How do you go to the bathroom? Squat?

“Sillmer’s Girdle - ...helps tone the internal organs.”
We all know a flabby pancrease is a real embarassment in social settings.

“The Panther - ...Big zipper makes it a cinch to slip on and off.”
I notice you don’t mention putting it back on again.

“I want to blast inches off my fat, flabby body...”
Yeah, I heard those rumors to.




“University tests...The above chart shows the results...”
You passed the weight loss test. You failed the logic test. There is no chart ‘above’.

“18 subjects were used...This is scientific, clinical proof...”
Nice to know you didn’t hold back when picking test subjects.









“One Glass Equals...”
If that’s a glass I’d like to know what he drinks from when tapping a keg.

“What happens if your body doesn’t get enough protein?”
They turn blue?

“It becomes cannibalistic and is forced to feed on itself to make up for the deficiency.”
All this time I thought the biting was from crabs.

“It’s partially pre-digested...”
That’s what they said at the frat during hell week.

“Each can of SUPER-PRO ‘101’ is vacuum-sealed to retain it’s full potency...”
Oh! I always wondered what those vacuums were for.

“If you don’t feed your muscles we will!”
Yeah, but you guys charge by the hour.




“The guy on the float who gets my vote is the Weider-trained man!”
Okay, a show of hands. Is it the babe sitting down or the scrawny guy that’s making this statement?

“I purr like a kitten when I’m in the arms of a Weider-trained man!”
One of the many lines stricken from the final version of ‘Cats’.

“I want the girls chasing me...Instead of the other way ‘round!”
The guys are chasing you?




“A plan designed to instantly create musclar power, stamina and flexibility, in your entire pelvic area while it whittles away inches of fat from around your sexual zone.”
My sexual zone is small enough as it is, honey.

“...known for thousands of yeras as the ‘Root of Life’...Used by men whose beat is the world....”
I’d beat his root any day of the week.

“Try a month’s supply of I, Brute - The Mark of Beast.”
You mark ANYTHING and you’re cleaning it up before you go!

“Arnold Strong”
Let me guess, Schwartzenagger wouldn’t fit on the coupon?




“Here’s the instant ‘bulge-remover’!”
I’d say. But if you need a jock that big I’d think you’d want to show it off.












“Yes, this new invention makes it possible for you to jog right in the privacy of your own home - away from the ‘busybudy’ stares of neighbors...”
That usually happens when you forget to wear nothing but a posing strap.

“You’ll lose weight, trim your hips, flatten your mid-section, reduce ‘buttock bulge’...”
Um...you know...it’s not safe to keep battery operated devices up there while you’re wearing clothes.”

“It gives you that certain ‘bounce’ experienced when doing the actual thing”
Must be new batteries.

“It’s lightweight and stores easily in the smallest space”
I told you, not underneath your clothes. Besides, it’ll set off airport security