1946 from Marvel Mystery Comics #71
``Boast of sinewy arms like the village blacksmith..."
And a black eye when you try to make the comparison.

``All made with U.S. Government released surplus airplane cord."
Isn't this the same cord that was SUPPOSE to be connected to the parachute?

``With your order, we include a pair of Patented Foot Stirrups..."
For those nights when it's your turn to be ridden.

1952 from Sports Action #11
``Body-Bild Special"
And with the money you save you can take spelling lessons.

``GIVEN!"
Okay, who'd he given it to?

1967 from Fantasy Masterpieces #8
``Let me show YOU too, How to make yourself ASTRONAUT TOUGH"
Oh yeah, NASA is known for bailing out astronauts after bar fights.

``They're ready and able to do things in a big way-with the same kind of long-lasting stamina, the same tiger-quick response..."
 ...that lets them charge $200 an hour with you also buying dinner.

``Which of my 181,000 pupils would you like to be?"
Um...the one that got the refund?

``Rush to me your LAST CHANCE coupon..."
Your `last chance' coupon was also in `last months' issue.

``How to Become a fearless self-defense fighter overpowering any bully twice your size!"
Unless they also bought your program, then you're screwed.

1969 from Tomahawk #123
``Watch those muscle grow and bulge!"
I'm watching, I'm watching...you need 3-D glasses for this?

``Things that are especially difficult for you today will be accomplished tomorrow."
You been talking to my Psychic Friend?

``You can measure your results daily in competition with your friends."
Sure the parents will enjoy walking in your room and seeing that.

``The pal who before could handle you with ease, will get the surprise of his life as you handle him, easier than he ever did you."
You'd REALLY surprise the parents if they walked in on that!

1972 from The Cat #2
``Hey! I need 250 Skinny Guys!"
Pulling an all-nighter?

``If you have a trim, masculine, well built, sexy body at this moment, then please DO NOT SEND for TENSILE CONTRACTIONS."
Oh, so you're into fems and chubs.

``THE RESULTS HAVE BEEN LITTLE SHORT..."
Then stop taking the injections before it's too late!

1973 from Korak, Son of Tarzan #53
``Yes, you too can have a body like `Mr. Perfect Physique' Saul New York (pictured above)."
Uh...guys...there is NO ONE pictured above!

``Pick up a 6 inch spike, bend it effortlessly and hand it to your buddy. Invite him to straighten it. Knowing average guys, he won't be able to budge it, however red-faced he gets trying."
*LAUGH* I'm sorry, I just can't top that one.

1974 from Marvel Premiere #19
``This company does not claim that you can build a fantastic body in seven days, or seven weeks. This is a three month course! And it will clearly take considerably longer than that to build a fantastic body like Robert Nailons shown here."
Then why the hell is he shown here?

``The MUSCLE FIGHTER IV plan is not recommended for those who are not perfectly fit and healthy, nor is it advised for those who are lazy indolent or lacking in initiative."
Okay, everyone out of the gene pool!

1978 from Doorway to Nightmare #1
``Slowly, before your eyes, you will see handsome muscles bursting out all over you - rippling with POWER, exuding energy and fitness"
Show us some more pictures of your trip to Fire Island, Uncle Ted.

``Imagine walking through your local beach or neighborhood swimming area...friends noticing your Titanic Legs, your Wide Manly Shoulders, Rock Hard Stomach Muscles..."
And that you're hung like Scruffy after his accident with the Buick.

1979 from Marvel Premiere #49
``Wate-On's calories can help fill-out, shape your entire body."
I'll take two all-beef Wate-On's, special sauce, lettuce, cheese...

1979 from Marvel Premiere #50
``Now, for the very first time, this sensational course is offered to readers of Marvel Comics."
And if I just look at the pictures I'm screwed?

1982 from Warlord #59
``I'm a professional body builder. I won the Mr. U.S.A. competition in 1977, and the Mr. International contest in 1978. I'll probably win Mr. Universe this year."
Nnnnnoooo, you wooooon't.

``...works on one of two principles: isometric (putting stress on muscles that do not move) or isotonic (moving muscles under stress)."
Are we talking exercise or IRS audits?

``The simple locker room secret that really works, in just 90 seconds"
Ben Gay in the jock?

BODYPRIDE

"The secret is in the fantastic DIAL...the higher you dial...the faster you can see results.”
I don’t know. I turned that piece of cardboard until it fell apart and I don’t feel any different.

“Exclusive Tension Ring! Lets you adjust tension control to speed results!”
Like cock straps haven’t had that capability for a long time.

“First man in the world to press double body weight”
I guess his date found out “No” really does mean no.

“No diet needed if daily caloric intake does not add to your present body weight.”
Damn, I know I shouldn’t have swallowed after sex. Guess I’ll skip the croutons on the dinner salad.

Mr. American Athlete

“I added 18 inches to my chest.”
3 limps dicks during last saturday nights orgy?

Major League Supplier

“Could you use $1,000,000? We’d like to hand you the million - but that’s impossible - But your health is worth a million!”
Okay, then how about giving me $250,000 and I’ll go around hacking a little?

“HIP POCKET GYM”
Do I really need to think of something to make this sound funny?

“...works by putting Nature on your team.”
Come on, nurture has a little to do with it too.

“...no lengthy correspondence courses!”
Isn’t net-sex wonderful?

“...he was photographed in 13 poses showing his favorite exercises...”
I always wondered what the casting couch was like for these exercise models.

Margrace Corporation

“Telepander...No weights. No barbells. No huffing and puffing exercises. No disrobing....”
Good because that’s what I’m paying to see you do.

“...and be able to verify the results with a tape measure in just 2 weeks...”
A tape measure!? What do you use in a month? GPS?

National Sports Council - Journey Into Mystery# 38 1956

“I wish you could come with Ted and me to Lou Stillman’s famous training headquarters...see for yourself how the Champions build their bodies and keep physically fit.”
But your not going to just because I leaked to the press that you prefer briefs over boxers?

Powerex

“Before, I was known as a singles hitter...”
Now you go for married guys to?

“...and big 20x28 inch wall chart...”
Well, at least it’s bigger than your ad.

Tarzan

Okay, this issue came out BEFORE he met Jane. So who the hell is he posing for?!?!?!












“Without giving up the foods you love!”
I’ve heard of head cheese but that’s ridiculous.













“How about a pound a day muscle weight gain-tiger!”
I’d prefer a pounding muscle a day-sweet cheeks.













“A hard man is good to find.”
I know, but how do you find a hard man?













“100 Illustrated Exercises Posed By The Champions”
Benjy’s father was a butcher with a difference.













“Tonight you’re going to bomb and blitz your muscles...really give them a pounding because you want fast, musclar growth. It shows you’re no time-waster, eh champ?”
No siree bob. I can’t afford another expensive phone bill so keep talkin’.

“Treat them to Muscle Rub and they’ll treat you right for many bombing session to come.”
Fill my crater big-boy.






"Bill Pearl's "KEY TO THE INNER UNIVERSE...638 pages..."
Stephen Hawkings Universe: The Cosmos Explained...288 pages. Who would have thought a bodybuilder could out pontificate a physicist.









Kamandi #48
"…Amazing Motionless Exercise"
From the people who also brought you the Disgustingly Expensive Diet Plan.

"…your body is your own Gymnasium!"
Nice thought, doctor, but does it have to be co-ed?

"…which includes a chapter "SECRETS OF ATTRACTING GIRLS"
You just lost 10% of your readers.